


Idealize me, idolize me

by yourthyla



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Crush, Falling In Love, Friendship, Genderbending, Love Confessions, M/M, Mind Meld, Pre-Slash, Transporter Malfunction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-19 01:36:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7339276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourthyla/pseuds/yourthyla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk values his dear Mr.Spock above everything, as a friend he's deeply connected to - but what if a little beaming accident allows him see his first officer - as a female? Spock is bothered by the sudden superficiality. But then maybe it's not, and it's really breaking captain's moral barriers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Idealize me, idolize me

Kirk was awfully curious, enough to come to the Transporter room himself, together with the ever inquisitive CMO and few security guards whose job it was to be there. The captain was in the very front, eager for the results of this mission. The landing party has been down there for eight days from which only the first and the last day (when Scotty found the solution, as always) they had mutual communication available.

 It was about time now, it was necessary for the crew to report and process the knowledge and experience, to _feed_ it to the hungry Starfleet officers who kept abusing poor lieutenant Uhura on the channels with notifications and warnings. Kirk was _this_ close to grab her microphone and tell them to fuck off.

“Aye, Mr. Spock, we nearly got ya! Please stand by for the transportation. I am locking on yer coordinates.” Scotty was doing his magic above the transportation console, running his fingers all over the buttons and handles to get the team the damn out of there.

“Hopefully the reports will be worth it, when nothing else. In a way I envy them to lose communication for days on a planet full of women. I can bet with you Spock did all the work while others were engaging in a different way of ‘research.’” James chatted with McCoy. The doctor shook his head, wondering if the captain even slightly appreciates the fact that everyone got out of trouble alive and healthy. He’s always like that.

“This is a responsible team you are talking about, Spock composed it himself, after all, I seriously doubt he let them take a breath in peace. Though I believe it was pleasant environment to work in, and also the very reason Spock didn’t pick you to be in the team, are you still surprised? Once again, it is a planet with female _only_ inhabitants. You’d end up like a Vulcan on his first _pon farr_.”

“Hold your tongue, _Bones_.” He hissed but couldn’t help but smile because he was absolutely right and everyone knew it.

“Energizing.” Mr. Scott pulled the handle, beaming the crew members up aboard. When the five members started materializing on the platform, a sigh of relief escaped Jim’s mouth and McCoy lifted a corner of his mouth as he was proved Kirk actually _had been_ worried about the officers.

The landing party indeed did materialize aboard the _Enterprise_ , uninjured, nevertheless, with one little mistake. One member was missing. Kirk and McCoy gave each other a look. One member was extra. And it didn’t take long for them to realize it wasn’t exactly like that; but rather one member was _changed._ A woman was among the male officers.

**Stage 1: Attraction**

The person wore the blue science uniform. The same long-sleeved pale blue T-Shirt, the same pants, boots, tricorder strap over the shoulder. The strap outlined the shape of the woman’s breasts as it was placed in between. McCoy gulped and looked aside in embarrassment. The captain blushed. This was actually their Vulcan science officer on the platform, but seemingly in woman’s body. It was him, wasn’t it? Jim Kirk was sure to recognize the same slanted eyebrows, pointy ears, the very same posture and clothing neat, even the hair was short and basically the same haircut. His expression corresponded perfectly. And the figure was different but it was the same slim and tall, as well as his lips gained some more color and shape but not very much.

He – she, was about the same age but on a woman it looked somewhat more graceful. But it was embarrassing. The uniform hung on her, she was even slimmer than when it was a _he_. Thin neck, narrow shoulders, soft, feminine features. Spock noticed as soon as he had all eyes on ‘his’ body. McCoy almost felt like laughing when he noticed his confused expression then.

Jim didn’t know if he should panic or tease. He just went with pure professionalism and wonder. He cleared his throat.

“Welcome back… gentlemen. I am relieved to see you uninjured but whoever has an explanation for this, please go ahead. ” He said.

“Captain,” Spock spoke first after a while of silence. “May I require speaking with you privately?” Poor Vulcan, McCoy could see just how embarrassed he was about this. Kirk agreed immediately and though McCoy wanted to join, Kirk told him ‘later’.

***

“I have a convincing theory. We were not able to inform you about this before, for obvious reasons. It seems my Vulcan organism reacted differently on the planet. It started the third day, the atmosphere apparently does not affect humans but it does affect the inhabitants and possibly people of my species.” Spock’s voice was low but smooth, thinner, feminine. It was difficult for Kirk to get used to it and perceive this person as Spock, his first officer. He continued:

“This planet, captain, does not have different reproduction system, as we were led to believe after our first report. To your culture, this might appear slightly bizarre but by the age of 15, every man changes his gender. That means, it is possible to increase population but only by men before 15 years, however we do not know precisely how long their lifespan generally is but I am positive they age about as fast as or faster than we, Vulcans. There are rare opportunities to reproduce and I suggest we offer help from human species.” Kirk listened eagerly the whole time and then intervened.

“That of course depends on what Starfleet decides. We mustn’t interfere.”

“Certainly. However the race is dying out and they are in need of immediate support right now.”

“And if I understand it correctly, your genes or something are similar to their and made you react similarly since you are mature enough and it adjusted to their…process?”

“Strangely so, captain.” He bent his head ever so slightly. It wasn’t in Spock’s nature to feel this upset but it couldn’t feel comfortable for him when people eyed him differently and even the captain himself watched him with curiosity and worry, and even something else he couldn’t figure out. He felt like he was taken less seriously at the moment he spoke in women’s voice.

But Jim really couldn’t help but look him constantly over. Now seeing him from closer distance, he looked so alike and yet completely different. His eyes were precisely the same color and yet the captain had never found himself gazing into them with admiration. It was like they never had such shine and the eyelashes never looked so damn charming on anyone, no matter how much mascara women had. But Spock was make-up-less and his face was, it was—gorgeous. Mature, intelligent, but beautiful. It was upsetting for Kirk to view him this way but there was no way to ignore it.

“We’ll give Starfleet a report before they drive our lieutenant crazy and then we will have McCoy give you a respectful check-up and we’ll come up with how to get you back to normal, alright? No worries, Mr. Spock, no matter what you look like or what the voice you speak with is, you’re valued as my first officer and you’ll continue performing your duties excellently, are you not?”

“Absolutely. Thank you, captain.”

***

That was a lie, though. Even though Spock did his best ignoring the confusion of people around (despite they were informed and _repeatedly_ told to mind their business), Kirk hadn’t managed to see Spock the same way. There was a fleeting suggestion for Spock to wear standard woman science uniform but the captain decided against it (suppressing the urge to see Spock in it.) He knew it would just make it harder for Spock, the dress is flattering but bordering with inappropriate and impractical, after all, especially for someone like Spock. So Kirk got him better fitting male duty uniform.

On the bridge, he had trouble looking away when finding Mr (Ms?) Spock during various activities, though. Although he was wearing pants, it was suddenly disturbing to see him bending over the viewer. He just looked different in the pants. His legs were well-shaped, the fabric embraced the feminine thighs and his bottom was…looking damn attractive too. His, here it is appropriate to refer to it as _hers,_ breasts were small but the shape still easily recognizable in the T-Shirt. He also had insanely thin waist. It’s not accurate to call him petite but he had close to a tall model. Kirk was sorry Spock was now seen as pretty, rather than intelligent. He was sorry that even he himself, who tried to be a support to Spock, found himself aroused that evening when thinking back about Spock’s change.

**Stage 2: Endearment**

It had been three days. McCoy and Spock in the lead of the medical and the science team were trying to come up with how to get him back to normal. They were making little progress.  The crew started getting used to it and to respect him the way he was. Especially after they found out he was the same emotionless and annoying Vulcan he’d always been, which quickly destroyed their new crushes. Kirk made sure everyone including him and McCoy stayed professional about it.

In general, the relationship between Spock and Jim hadn’t changed anyhow. The way of communication stayed relatively same during the shifts and they had no reason to cancel their chess matches, lunches or dinners together, or random talks in different parts of the ship. Sometimes, though, someone slipped and did or said something inappropriate, or they had to deal with an unknown situation.

For example dressing up.

“Jim, turn around. And you, Spock, could as well go change in a different room!” McCoy had a blush across his face again when they witnessed Spock taking his shirt off in front of them and instead of the familiar flat haired chest, their eyes laid on a pair of nicely shaped breasts covered in a plain (and practical) B cup-sized bra, which nurse Chapel decided to get from her friend in the crew and dedicate it to the science officer because they couldn’t stand men looking at the shape of his breasts through the T-Shirt.

“It is still I, this body is not what I consider mine, therefore I feel no shame. Moreover it is your own choice if you look and stay respectful. I hardly think of it as sexual, if this is what you are referring to, doctor.” Was Spock’s reply and Jim cleared his throat, leaving the room.

Or random touches – they never felt the same again.

“Hand me my coffee from the replicator, will you?”

“Just a moment.” Spock was looking into his papers on the dining table. Jim sighed and got up to bring it himself, walking around the table. At the moment he was reaching for it (which Spock didn’t perceive as he was focused at his work) he also reached behind himself to get the mug on the shelf behind him. Their hands touched.

“Oh, thanks.” Jim smiled nervously. Spock lifted an eyebrow, waiting how long the captain intended to hold his hand over his and stare at his face. No wonder, Spock’s hands were smaller and softer.

And arguments, they were still as logical but _definitely_ not the same.

“Don’t get used to a different treatment just because you’re a woman!” Kirk shouted in the silence of his quarters.

“I required no such thing as I am the one wishing I was treated nothing but equally as other officers on the bridge of the _Enterprise._ You are being most illogical just ever since _then_ , Jim. You are the one doing such decisions, you are losing focus. You cannot get accustomed to it. And I should remind you, I am not a _woman_ as I only temporarily possess a body of one.”

“And what about you?! Maybe it’s time you start accepting it! It’s been a week and we might not find a way to make you male again, this is your own body, my dear _Ms.Spock_ (he teased), this is what you would be if you were born a different gender. It’s not easy, is it?” He came closer. “Being half-human, and now even half-woman!” Spock had stood by the wall with his hands folded behind his back until Jim affectively pushed his shoulders on the wall and he separated them to have the chance to defend himself.

But he felt so fragile under his hands, suddenly. It was then when he realized his face was way too close. And he was used to this, being close to Spock. Sometimes they got into a row and sometimes they needed to hold each other when one was falling or fainting, or was wounded, sometimes they touched randomly. They were close to each other and Jim was used to it. But now he wasn’t so sure when his heart beat fast and it was not usual, it was the first time he thought about kissing his first officer.

**Stage 3: Longing**

Spock was constantly on Jim’s mind. Usually he was able to enjoy his shore leaves but this time it lacked something. He was playing with the communicator in his hand, flapping it open and closed repeatedly. It was an evening on the planet and it felt lonely. McCoy, some of the inhabitants and another three crew members talked over a glass of local alcohol but Jim didn’t feel like joining them.

“Spock.” He eventually did speak into the communicator.

“Yes, Spock here… captain?” Was the tender tone at the other side. It was his usual tone but it sounded tender to Kirk, as Spock made his words sound free of aggression or intonation, it was soothing in the female version.

“Why don’t you join us, Spock?” He suggested, to Spock’s surprise.

“I do have work to do, to process the collected information from this planet. I am afraid I will have to refuse. It is a long night, is it not?” She said into the communicator and Jim found himself closing his eyes and melted into that voice.

“It is lonely here.”

“What about doctor McCoy?”

“Um-um,” he shook his head. “Busy. What’s more, you’re working a double shift again by now. Don’t make me make it an order.”

“Very well but you remember what I said about you giving orders just for your convenience.” Spock warned him and the captain just smiled and closed the device.

***

 “It feels good to have you here.” He said as they were sitting next to each other on a rock. It took a while of walk to get away from others and Spock followed the captain without questions. The sky was strangely purple in this world but stars were visible. It was marvelous. A new world to explore, a starship above him, and the graceful first officer, Jim had everything he’d ever wanted.

But his hands were shaking and his heart racing in his chest. He knew everything had changed and it was no longer easy to pretend like nothing happened. But to Spock, things probably stayed the same. And he wished he was logical, but such strong feelings overwhelmed him. He took a breath.

“Hey, Spock.” He received a look of attention in response. “I think I love you.”

Raised eyebrows. “Captain?”

“I’m sorry, that was over the line. I got carried away. It-um-it’s become-“ He choked on his own words and didn’t know what to say, he surely hardly knew what he even meant to say. So he just acted on affect, what he does the best. There is no woman he couldn’t conquer. He placed his fingers on her warm neck, the thumb on her cheek gently, and leaned in to kiss her lips, his first officer.

But Spock was not one of his women, and he knew his captain way too well. And at this moment, logic told him that his captain wasn’t aware of what he was truly doing. Spock would almost feel sorry for such weakness, it was unworthy of a captain. So he pulled away as their lips just merely met.

“I advise you be aware of who you are talking to. It is still I, Spock, in this body.” He stood up slowly, which Jim watched with terror in his eyes like his heart was breaking. “Your act was clearly superficial. It appears you are no longer talking to me but to this body. I do not have the luxury to judge you — you as a human. I respect the way you are. However I am still positive about developing a solution for this and you will no longer be distracted by my state.”

“Spock-“ he breathed, speechless. He completely turned him down. But he was right. This was Spock, of course he _did._ What if he said this to his male self? It was unreal and foolish of Jim. He misunderstood the feelings and terms. This was affection, this was a crush. Liking of Spock’s body. It was the mixture of the closeness to him as a person and the perfect appearance. Competence, intelligence and beauty. It was too much to be real. Jim knew he couldn’t have it all.

“I am sorry—“ the science officer was already turning around and leaving back to the ship as the captain’s words faded in the air.

**Stage 4: Reconciliation**

“Good job, doctor, I must say you have been a useful help this time. I owe you my gratitude.” He looked into the mirror, relieved to see his own self after a long time. He knew this was who he was meant to be, this body corresponded to his mind.

“It’s good to see you back, hobgoblin, now I won’t feel so bad insulting you anymore.” McCoy smirked, hands folded on the chest while eyeing the science officer in satisfaction. “Just go easy on Jim, he doesn’t know this worked and it might require some time, especially for him, to get used to the change back.” He warned him.

“I will attempt doing so, doctor. But I think Jim is going to be glad things got back to the normal he was used to.”

“I don’t know.” The medical officer came closer to him, back to the door and close to him, make the talk appear discreet. “He went through some really crappy times during the last month. You really made mess in that head of his with your new Vulcan butt.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m just saying. I’m afraid it wasn’t just about that, though. Not that _you_ could understand. So chop chop to your duty, come again if you experienced any trouble maintaining this body.”

***

“It’s you again.” Spock didn’t know if it was disappointment or relief in the captain’s voice, together with the obvious surprise.

“It has always been I.” He replied.

“Well, that’s good, very good, Mr. Spock.” It was disappointment, even through the smile. “You look better than ever.” He joked. Spock furrowed eyebrows.

“Vulcans do not benefit from compliments but thank you, captain.”

***

“Can I ask you something, Mr. Spock?”

“Illogical, as you just did-“

“Okay, never mind. About the question… do you feel like anything changed between us when you were in female’s body..? And don’t say you don’t _feel_. You know what I am talking about.” Kirk asked. It took him three months since then to pick up the courage. But since it kept eating him up at nights, he couldn’t go on like that.

“I did get the impression, yes. But if anything changed in my way of _feeling_ it? Negative.”

“What did you get the impression of?” He asked carefully.

“You were intrigued. And you still haven’t gotten the image of the different form of myself from your head, is that not correct?”

“Not exactly. Remember what I told you on the shore leave back then?” He trembled, desperately trying to hide it from the Vulcan.

“Affirmative.” Business as usual. Like a stab in the heart.

“You don’t understand. It’s not that I haven’t gotten rid of it. It just helped me understand. I must tell you because otherwise I don’t think I can free myself from it. I see you differently ever since then, because it made it possible. We have always been close as male officers but because of that close connection I felt to you, I- I don’t know how to explain, I—“

“Do not speak, Jim. Let me see your thoughts. And allow me give you mine.”

“Do that.” Jim agreed.

***

“You have felt like this the whole time?”

“Affirmative.”

Kirk glanced at the clock, at shock. The melt lasted an hour and half, approximately. He wasn’t even sure it was the same day, it felt like eternity and a second at the same time.

He hadn’t known if he was in love with the illusion or it only took the illusion to realize what he felt for Spock all along but had always blocked in his mind. One thing was sure, Spock wasn’t letting him go, no matter what. Spock had had his thoughts and feelings sorted up and it was calming to enter that mind.

In the end, Jim hadn’t minded Spock was an alien. He wouldn’t mind that of a woman. It would be silly to mind his gender. It was strange how Spock’s body didn’t get any less beautiful, suddenly ever since. Jim wished it did. Spock was his friend. But just now, at least now, he wanted to kiss him again.

 

 


End file.
